Keith's Redemption

I woke up today still angry about yesterday.  I didn't want to do anything to make Keith think that everything was back to normal.  But at the same time, I'm not very good at staying mad at him and he knows this.


I just felt that if I stayed mad it wasn't going to solve anything and would only make the matter worse.  It would really serve no purpose but to put a wedge between Keith and myself.  So holding on to my anger was not the road I wanted to go down but I was still mad and hurt. 


So we talked.


I told him that I was angry and hurt.  I didn't really have to say it he knew it but it felt better to say it. Then he told me that I should have felt that way because the way he acted was childish, stupid and pathetic.  Which, of course, I have to agree with, full heartedly.


I told him that I don't even feel that I could appreciate all the work he did because of the way he did it and he completely agreed.  He just hopes that eventually I will be able to appreciated it.  Don't tell him but I all ready do.  I mean, honestly, how can you not when you see all that he did?  I mean really.


He did say that the only reason he did it by himself is because he choose to.  No one left him to do by himself but his action caused him to have to do it by himself.  I was happy he said that because I would have totally helped him if he didn't tell me to get the hell out of his way.


So in the end we are good and working together again.  He didn't apologize and I didn't want him too.  This wasn't something you really can apologize for you just have to admit that you were in the wrong and work on it in the future, which is what he did.  So I'm good.


I still feel useless but that is an on going state of being for me not a momentary state. 


All's good is Shelleigh land.  No make up sex yet but I'm hopeful;)


Shel

A Rant

          My uselessness in the world was confirmed once again today by Keith.   

We are attempting to move back into our house after getting our floors redone.  Keith, of course, is doing most of the work.  I want to help so I made myself available for him to use if he needs too.  But as usual I’m only in the way; I don’t do anything right and my feeble attempt at help only ends in complete failure. 

I can’t even pick the right shoes to ware to help him.  I stupidly choose slip on shoes that I can easily take on and off; they were close toe so that the rain wouldn’t seep into my soaks and freeze my toes even more than they already were.  I was told that this was wrong choice; I wasn’t able to get them on or off fast enough, I should have just worn my crocs and toughened up.   Of course, Keith was right how stupid of me to want to have dry warm feet.  To make matters worse, did you know that there was a right and wrong way to pick up shoes that throw them into a large plastic bag, I didn’t but then again I was wrong.  After screwing up putting shoes in a bag I was told, in a loud annoyed voice that it would be much better if I would get the hell out of his way, he would rather do the whole thing by himself than to have me screwing everything up.

I cried.

It really sucks to be so incompetent and useless.

I don’t even know why he allows me to take care of his children.  He constantly tells me that he would run things so much better if he ran the house.  The kids would be on a strict routine, he would never have to clean because everything would always be clean, the kids would do better in school and he would have all this free time to do whatever he wanted to do with his day.  He just doesn’t understand what my problem is.

I do; I suck at being a wife and mother.

This mother’s day, if I get anything saying what a great mother I am I will know that it is a complete lie. 

I’m not a great mother.  I’m horrible at it.  I’m way too selfish to be a good wife and mother.  I like spending time by myself.  I don’t always want to be with my kids.  How horrible is that?

Sometimes I get so sick of my life and how much I suck at everything that I hold my breath hoping that I could hold it long enough and just die.  That may sound silly but I’m too much of a chicken to slit my wrists.    

The sad thing is I think everyone would be better off if I died.  Keith does everything anyway.  No one would notice or care if I was gone.  Maybe Malcolm.  He’s a mommy’s boy, but he would get over it.  Keith would make a much better mother than I ever have.

Don’t worry.  I’m not really going to off myself.  I just think my family’s life would be better if I did.

What do I do anyway?  Nothing.

I made dinner tonight which no one ate.  They all wanted something else. 

They always have clean dishes and clothes but no one notices that or cares.  They just expect that.  They always have food and whatever else they need.  But no one notices or cares. It’s expected.

Keith always talks about how he feels that he always has to do everything for everyone.  He sick of it.  He doesn’t feel like anyone cares about how hard he works on cleaning and organizing the house because it just gets messed up again.  Funny I feel the same way. 

It amazes me how no one in my family can figure out how to throw their garbage away.  Even my perfect husband, Keith.  The garbage always whines up in the sink or on the counter next to it.  The garbage is under the sink but apparently on one but me can figure out how to open the cupboard and put the garbage in the can. 

Hey, I found one thing I’m good at.  Taking out the garbage.  I’m so proud.  My reason to live.

What really pisses me off is that Keith feels that no one cares about all the work he does after he’s cleaned up.  Say on the rare occasion that he has cleaned the kitchen; if I dare go in there and put a plate or garbage by the sink, not where it should go, he throws the biggest hissy fit the world has ever seen.  On the other hand, if I spent time cleaning the kitchen he has no problem leaving his crap around the kitchen for me to clean up.  He just expects me to do that.  He says it wasn’t really clean.  It’s only clean if he does it.  I just tidy up.  He needs an award for everything he does.

I don’t remember the last time he mopped the floor or washed the toilet.  But he does everything so I’m sure he’s done it when I wasn’t looking.

Another point of contention in my otherwise happy marriage is that Keith wants me to have his dinner warm and on a plate ready for him right when he gets home; he gets home at 11:00 pm.  Grant it, he works long hours; which he believes he is the only person in the world that works these types of hours.   But I make dinner for the kids around 6:00pm.  This means I have to make a second dinner at 10:00pm.  Even if he has what I made the kids for dinner he cannot bear the idea of having to put the food on a plate and warm it up himself.  I can put the food on the plate for him but it’s just too much for him to put it in the microwave and warm it up.  I can have it all warm and waiting on a plate for him but then he will bitch and moan that what I made is bland and he wants food that has more flavor; though he can’t tell me what that would be, he just wants it.  He will even go as far as to not eat what I made him and will make himself his own food all the while bitching that he has to do everything.  Eat the FUCKING food I made you at 10:00pm. 

This is just my sorry pissed off rant.  In truth, Keith is a wonderful husband and I’m an incompetent lazy housewife.