Today my husband came home and got very upset about the messy state of our house and how I'm not doing anything about it. To be honest, although I hate his tantrums he has a right to be upset, our house is a mess and I don't really do anymore than I have to to fix it.
I hate the fact that I'm so lazy. I know things that I need to do to fix it but I don't do them.
I am in a habit of relaxing in the morning. I eat breakfast and watch a show. Then I may do the dishes and clean up a little. After that it's time for a nap. Then I spend time on the Internet, reading, or daydreaming. I know this is laziness I have the butt to prove it.
Laziness is a habit, a way of life for me. I need to break it. I'm not getting anywhere in my life by allowing myself to live like this. I come up with all these excuses to why I do what I do or why I don't do other the things I should. It's all laziness.
I read self help books but do nothing they say to do. Reading isn't going to fix anything only doing will and I don't do.
I am trapped by my habits.
My habits: TV, daydreaming, napping, and allowing myself to wander around lost.
These are the habits I'm going to change.
I need to build a new life not only for my family but for me.
No more lazy mom,
Shel
Friday, July 22, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
An Excuse Is Worse Than A Lie...
I came across this quote by Alexander Pope, "An excuse is worse than a lie..." This is so true.
When I walk around my house and see everything that needs to be done I can always find an excuse as to why I shouldn't do it or can't do it right now. The thing is, I make a lie for myself and get out of doing the work I need to do. The problem is that it doesn't only hurt me but it hurts my husband and then my family.
The excuses I tell myself:
1) I'm too tired. The truth: I'm not really that tired. I maybe tired but I think it's more that I'm lazy than tired. My bed is where I do most of my story thinking, so I'm often pulled there. I just want to fall back into my make-believe world and not deal with my real world crap. When I think about how hard my husband works for me I know that there is no way that I am too tired to work on house projects.
2) I don't know where to start. The truth: You just start. If I just get going everything will fall into place and something will get done.
I know that there are more and I will post them when I realize them.
Today's work list:
1) Clean dogs room. It stinks.
2) Empty out boxes
3) Vacuum out electronics
4) Clean out fridge
5) Store
6) Clean kitchen
No excuses,
Shel
When I walk around my house and see everything that needs to be done I can always find an excuse as to why I shouldn't do it or can't do it right now. The thing is, I make a lie for myself and get out of doing the work I need to do. The problem is that it doesn't only hurt me but it hurts my husband and then my family.
The excuses I tell myself:
1) I'm too tired. The truth: I'm not really that tired. I maybe tired but I think it's more that I'm lazy than tired. My bed is where I do most of my story thinking, so I'm often pulled there. I just want to fall back into my make-believe world and not deal with my real world crap. When I think about how hard my husband works for me I know that there is no way that I am too tired to work on house projects.
2) I don't know where to start. The truth: You just start. If I just get going everything will fall into place and something will get done.
I know that there are more and I will post them when I realize them.
Today's work list:
1) Clean dogs room. It stinks.
2) Empty out boxes
3) Vacuum out electronics
4) Clean out fridge
5) Store
6) Clean kitchen
No excuses,
Shel
Friday, April 15, 2011
Keith's Redemption
I woke up today still angry about yesterday. I didn't want to do anything to make Keith think that everything was back to normal. But at the same time, I'm not very good at staying mad at him and he knows this.
I just felt that if I stayed mad it wasn't going to solve anything and would only make the matter worse. It would really serve no purpose but to put a wedge between Keith and myself. So holding on to my anger was not the road I wanted to go down but I was still mad and hurt.
So we talked.
I told him that I was angry and hurt. I didn't really have to say it he knew it but it felt better to say it. Then he told me that I should have felt that way because the way he acted was childish, stupid and pathetic. Which, of course, I have to agree with, full heartedly.
I told him that I don't even feel that I could appreciate all the work he did because of the way he did it and he completely agreed. He just hopes that eventually I will be able to appreciated it. Don't tell him but I all ready do. I mean, honestly, how can you not when you see all that he did? I mean really.
He did say that the only reason he did it by himself is because he choose to. No one left him to do by himself but his action caused him to have to do it by himself. I was happy he said that because I would have totally helped him if he didn't tell me to get the hell out of his way.
So in the end we are good and working together again. He didn't apologize and I didn't want him too. This wasn't something you really can apologize for you just have to admit that you were in the wrong and work on it in the future, which is what he did. So I'm good.
I still feel useless but that is an on going state of being for me not a momentary state.
All's good is Shelleigh land. No make up sex yet but I'm hopeful;)
Shel
I just felt that if I stayed mad it wasn't going to solve anything and would only make the matter worse. It would really serve no purpose but to put a wedge between Keith and myself. So holding on to my anger was not the road I wanted to go down but I was still mad and hurt.
So we talked.
I told him that I was angry and hurt. I didn't really have to say it he knew it but it felt better to say it. Then he told me that I should have felt that way because the way he acted was childish, stupid and pathetic. Which, of course, I have to agree with, full heartedly.
I told him that I don't even feel that I could appreciate all the work he did because of the way he did it and he completely agreed. He just hopes that eventually I will be able to appreciated it. Don't tell him but I all ready do. I mean, honestly, how can you not when you see all that he did? I mean really.
He did say that the only reason he did it by himself is because he choose to. No one left him to do by himself but his action caused him to have to do it by himself. I was happy he said that because I would have totally helped him if he didn't tell me to get the hell out of his way.
So in the end we are good and working together again. He didn't apologize and I didn't want him too. This wasn't something you really can apologize for you just have to admit that you were in the wrong and work on it in the future, which is what he did. So I'm good.
I still feel useless but that is an on going state of being for me not a momentary state.
All's good is Shelleigh land. No make up sex yet but I'm hopeful;)
Shel
Thursday, April 14, 2011
A Rant
My uselessness in the world was confirmed once again today by Keith.
We are attempting to move back into our house after getting our floors redone. Keith, of course, is doing most of the work. I want to help so I made myself available for him to use if he needs too. But as usual I’m only in the way; I don’t do anything right and my feeble attempt at help only ends in complete failure.
I can’t even pick the right shoes to ware to help him. I stupidly choose slip on shoes that I can easily take on and off; they were close toe so that the rain wouldn’t seep into my soaks and freeze my toes even more than they already were. I was told that this was wrong choice; I wasn’t able to get them on or off fast enough, I should have just worn my crocs and toughened up. Of course, Keith was right how stupid of me to want to have dry warm feet. To make matters worse, did you know that there was a right and wrong way to pick up shoes that throw them into a large plastic bag, I didn’t but then again I was wrong. After screwing up putting shoes in a bag I was told, in a loud annoyed voice that it would be much better if I would get the hell out of his way, he would rather do the whole thing by himself than to have me screwing everything up.
I cried.
It really sucks to be so incompetent and useless.
I don’t even know why he allows me to take care of his children. He constantly tells me that he would run things so much better if he ran the house. The kids would be on a strict routine, he would never have to clean because everything would always be clean, the kids would do better in school and he would have all this free time to do whatever he wanted to do with his day. He just doesn’t understand what my problem is.
I do; I suck at being a wife and mother.
This mother’s day, if I get anything saying what a great mother I am I will know that it is a complete lie.
I’m not a great mother. I’m horrible at it. I’m way too selfish to be a good wife and mother. I like spending time by myself. I don’t always want to be with my kids. How horrible is that?
Sometimes I get so sick of my life and how much I suck at everything that I hold my breath hoping that I could hold it long enough and just die. That may sound silly but I’m too much of a chicken to slit my wrists.
The sad thing is I think everyone would be better off if I died. Keith does everything anyway. No one would notice or care if I was gone. Maybe Malcolm. He’s a mommy’s boy, but he would get over it. Keith would make a much better mother than I ever have.
Don’t worry. I’m not really going to off myself. I just think my family’s life would be better if I did.
What do I do anyway? Nothing.
I made dinner tonight which no one ate. They all wanted something else.
They always have clean dishes and clothes but no one notices that or cares. They just expect that. They always have food and whatever else they need. But no one notices or cares. It’s expected.
Keith always talks about how he feels that he always has to do everything for everyone. He sick of it. He doesn’t feel like anyone cares about how hard he works on cleaning and organizing the house because it just gets messed up again. Funny I feel the same way.
It amazes me how no one in my family can figure out how to throw their garbage away. Even my perfect husband, Keith. The garbage always whines up in the sink or on the counter next to it. The garbage is under the sink but apparently on one but me can figure out how to open the cupboard and put the garbage in the can.
Hey, I found one thing I’m good at. Taking out the garbage. I’m so proud. My reason to live.
What really pisses me off is that Keith feels that no one cares about all the work he does after he’s cleaned up. Say on the rare occasion that he has cleaned the kitchen; if I dare go in there and put a plate or garbage by the sink, not where it should go, he throws the biggest hissy fit the world has ever seen. On the other hand, if I spent time cleaning the kitchen he has no problem leaving his crap around the kitchen for me to clean up. He just expects me to do that. He says it wasn’t really clean. It’s only clean if he does it. I just tidy up. He needs an award for everything he does.
I don’t remember the last time he mopped the floor or washed the toilet. But he does everything so I’m sure he’s done it when I wasn’t looking.
Another point of contention in my otherwise happy marriage is that Keith wants me to have his dinner warm and on a plate ready for him right when he gets home; he gets home at 11:00 pm. Grant it, he works long hours; which he believes he is the only person in the world that works these types of hours. But I make dinner for the kids around 6:00pm. This means I have to make a second dinner at 10:00pm. Even if he has what I made the kids for dinner he cannot bear the idea of having to put the food on a plate and warm it up himself. I can put the food on the plate for him but it’s just too much for him to put it in the microwave and warm it up. I can have it all warm and waiting on a plate for him but then he will bitch and moan that what I made is bland and he wants food that has more flavor; though he can’t tell me what that would be, he just wants it. He will even go as far as to not eat what I made him and will make himself his own food all the while bitching that he has to do everything. Eat the FUCKING food I made you at 10:00pm.
This is just my sorry pissed off rant. In truth, Keith is a wonderful husband and I’m an incompetent lazy housewife.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Journal entry #1
Shelleigh’s Journal
There a lot of things that I wanted in my life, although I have had some there is still a lot that I want. I have just turned 40 years old and I’m ready to start the second half of my life. How?
My dream has always been to do theatre. But at my weight I will never be able to get the parts I want to play. I need to lose my weight. I say this over and over again but never do anything about it. I can’t figure out what’s wrong with me. No never mind, I know. I’m lazy.
I spend my days looking for my chance to go back to bed. I always want to take a nap.
I wake up and get the boys off to school. Then I sit down and eat breakfast and watch a show on Hulu. Then I may lie down or shower and I may read or do dishes. I just wander around the house until around 12:30 or 1:00 and then I take a nap. Around 2pm I get up make lunch. Then I go to the store if I have to and then I pick up the kids from school. After that, it’s homework, clean up a little, and the rehearsal if it’s rehearsal night. Later, around 10:50 pm, I pick Keith up. Then I may read and go to bed. That’s my day.
I hate it. I’m sick of it.
But how do I change it?
That’s where I’m lost. I need to change my thinking.
When I get up in the morning, after I get up in the morning I need to exercise first thing. All I need to do is my Julian Michael’s DVD and ride my bike. Then I shower and get ready for my day. After that I do an hour of chores. I will take a 20 minute nap, to clear my head. Then I will write for an hour. I need to write 500 words a day. I need to do the same thing for my jewelry. I need to work on it for an hour a day too.
OK, scratch that. Here’s the plan. I have to think about as if I have three jobs.
My first job is to exercise. This job I have to do every day. I do it the first thing in the morning after I take Keith to work or once I get the boys up for school.
The second is writing. I work at this job Sun, Mon, Tue, and Wed. I need to write 800 - 1000 words a day.
The third is jewelry. I do this Thurs, Fri, and Sat. I need to make a least five of the same pieces each week and get ready to sale them. I need to get my website up and running too.
I also need to get my house organized and clean. I need to do this because Keith is getting sick being in our house.
I need to make the laundry room into my office and work area. That means making sure that the laundry is always done and Pugsley’s mess is always cleaned up. I need to clean my work area and have it set up so that I can just work. This is my writing area too.
This is the plan. I need to stick to it like these are jobs that I do and get paid for. Someday they may.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Construction
One morning in mid November we awoke to a huge leak in our living room. It had been a particularly stormy and rainy November and the tiles on our roof had been blown up in the nigh'ts storm. There was a stream of water pouring down on to our hardwood floor.
We called insurance and they came out to make a claim.
Well, it turns out that we are got a whole new roof. They are currently fixing the ceiling in our living room. It had that nasty popcorn crap and we got that scrapped off. Now they are fixing the walls and then they will paint it any color we want. Plus, because our hardwood floors were damaged they are going to fix them too. The only problem with fixing the hardwood floors is that there are no seams in them. They are continuous through out the house so to fix that one spot they will have to do all the floors through out the whole house. Which makes me very excited.
Unfortunately, my house is a complete mess. Our living room is in our dinning room and in the hallway. I have no place to go in my own house. The only place to sit is in our bedroom. So it is needless to say that I can't do much today. Which is OK really as I'm not feeling well and I'm suppose to be resting. But at the same time I'm pulling my hair out because everything is such a mess. I can't walk down my hall without bumping into something. With any luck it will just be another week and almost everything will be done. The floor is a whole different story. When those get done we have to remove everything form the house and be out of our house for a week. That will be exciting. We are think that we should go and visit Keith's family in Utah but we'll see. We haven't heard from the insurance company about the floors yet so that whole thing is still up in the air. I know I shouldn't hold my breath but I really want my floors done.
So, it's going to be a lazy week for this lazy housewife.
We called insurance and they came out to make a claim.
Well, it turns out that we are got a whole new roof. They are currently fixing the ceiling in our living room. It had that nasty popcorn crap and we got that scrapped off. Now they are fixing the walls and then they will paint it any color we want. Plus, because our hardwood floors were damaged they are going to fix them too. The only problem with fixing the hardwood floors is that there are no seams in them. They are continuous through out the house so to fix that one spot they will have to do all the floors through out the whole house. Which makes me very excited.
Unfortunately, my house is a complete mess. Our living room is in our dinning room and in the hallway. I have no place to go in my own house. The only place to sit is in our bedroom. So it is needless to say that I can't do much today. Which is OK really as I'm not feeling well and I'm suppose to be resting. But at the same time I'm pulling my hair out because everything is such a mess. I can't walk down my hall without bumping into something. With any luck it will just be another week and almost everything will be done. The floor is a whole different story. When those get done we have to remove everything form the house and be out of our house for a week. That will be exciting. We are think that we should go and visit Keith's family in Utah but we'll see. We haven't heard from the insurance company about the floors yet so that whole thing is still up in the air. I know I shouldn't hold my breath but I really want my floors done.
So, it's going to be a lazy week for this lazy housewife.
Laryngitis
This past Monday I wasn't feeling well. I didn't think very much about it. We had just started tech week for Cinderella which we would open on Saturday so I thought it might be nerves. I went to rehearsal and tried to take it easy but that didn't seem to help. Saturday came and my voice was bad but I thought it was better than it had been. Opening night went really well. I didn't have much of a voice and it gave out half way through my song but all in all it was a very good opening.
Sunday, I woke up and I had absolutely no voice. I tried to speak, nothing. I drank 2 cups of 'throat coat' and the Mane Stage remedy 'Gypsy Cold' and 'Echninatia'. Nothing helped. I drank apple cider vinegar and honey and all I got was an upset stomach. I had to talk my song and I could barely do that. Even just saying my lines killed my throat. I was embarransed for myself but I also felt bad for the audiance. I feel that the audiance knows when an actor isn't up to par and it's distracting to them. I was afraid I took away from the whole experience of the play. I was also afraid that I let down my cast members and directors. I hope they won't hold it against me for getting sick and not cast me in a lead role again. Being able to trust your actors is a big part of casting a show. Even though I had no voice I felt like it was a good show. My director has ordered me on vocal rest which was no surprise. I have rehearsals this week but I will just be listening not participating.
Today my voice isn't that much better. I can speak for a little while but it wornout fast. If I have no voice by Wednseday I will go to the doc to see if they could give me anything to get through the next weekend.
If there is anyone out there please pray for me. I really need my voice back.
Shel
Sunday, I woke up and I had absolutely no voice. I tried to speak, nothing. I drank 2 cups of 'throat coat' and the Mane Stage remedy 'Gypsy Cold' and 'Echninatia'. Nothing helped. I drank apple cider vinegar and honey and all I got was an upset stomach. I had to talk my song and I could barely do that. Even just saying my lines killed my throat. I was embarransed for myself but I also felt bad for the audiance. I feel that the audiance knows when an actor isn't up to par and it's distracting to them. I was afraid I took away from the whole experience of the play. I was also afraid that I let down my cast members and directors. I hope they won't hold it against me for getting sick and not cast me in a lead role again. Being able to trust your actors is a big part of casting a show. Even though I had no voice I felt like it was a good show. My director has ordered me on vocal rest which was no surprise. I have rehearsals this week but I will just be listening not participating.
Today my voice isn't that much better. I can speak for a little while but it wornout fast. If I have no voice by Wednseday I will go to the doc to see if they could give me anything to get through the next weekend.
If there is anyone out there please pray for me. I really need my voice back.
Shel
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow...
...or next week.
When it comes to house work, this seems to be my motto. I suck at it. I look around and think, "If I clean this room up the boys will just mess it up again." So I don't clean it and it becomes an even bigger mess.
Martha Stewart I am not but my husband is. I swear to you that when he cleans, the room sparkles afterwards. I always marvel at him. He is just like the energizer bunny when it comes to cleaning, he just keeps going and going until the job is done. He always tells me you have to clean before you make a mess. Meaning, if we are going to set up for Christmas and we are going to bring in all the Christmas boxes in we need to clean the whole house before we can make it a mess with all the boxes. Me, I say, "the house is how it is, lets decorate." I'm not sure if that makes any sense. I get overwhelmed by the mess and give up. There are so many other things to do besides cleaning.
On that note, there doesn't seem to be enough time in the day for me but the time that I have I waste and I don't understand why. I can spend hours lost in thought or my imagination. I'm a big fan of the nap and seem to find my way to my bed for a 20 minute snooze everyday. I waste so much time that by the time my kids get home form school I have so much to do just to keep the house running that I don't feel that I make time for my boys. My husband always says that he would run thing much better, that he would be a great say at home dad and I would always have a clean house and dinner on the table. The sad thing is that I know he's right, he would be great, so much better than I am.
Keith, my husband, always tells me that I should put in about 2 hours a day to cleaning and then I would have the rest of the day to do whatever I want. I know that 2 hours a day is really all day. I can put in 2 hours of just straight cleaning but there is always something else that needs to be done; grocery shopping, bill paying, dinner making and clean up, the boys homework and school projects, boys activities, rehearsal, and any mess the boys make after I've cleaned up. I know what your thinking, 'make the boys clean up after themselves.' Well, that's all well and good but I still have to supervise. In short, I just feel that there is so much to do that something has to give and housework is one of them. The other is jewelry but that's another topic.
In all honesty, I want my house to be clean. I hate the mess and I am disgusted with the dirt. So heres my plan: I will devote 1 hour of my day to cleaning something in my house that needs to be clean. Notice I didn't say 2 hours, I don't want to overwhelme myself, 1 hour of extra clean is more than enough. So tomorrows extra cleaning is the boys playroom or should I say Malcolm's playroom. Malcolm has completely distroyed it. It might take me more than an hour but that is my goal. I'm also going to make the boys clean their room. This will be a fight but I'm going to make them do it.
Tomorrow's schedule:
1)exercise
2)clean playroom
3)pay bills
4)dishes and laundry: fold and put them away. (You might think folding them and putting them away is a given but you would be shocked at how often I do the laundry and let everyone pick through the basket for clean underware and socks. I hate folding them and loath puting the away. CRAZY!)
5)go over lines and song.
6)ten minutes of writing.
Well that's the plan, tomorrow I'll make it my reality.
Shel
When it comes to house work, this seems to be my motto. I suck at it. I look around and think, "If I clean this room up the boys will just mess it up again." So I don't clean it and it becomes an even bigger mess.
Martha Stewart I am not but my husband is. I swear to you that when he cleans, the room sparkles afterwards. I always marvel at him. He is just like the energizer bunny when it comes to cleaning, he just keeps going and going until the job is done. He always tells me you have to clean before you make a mess. Meaning, if we are going to set up for Christmas and we are going to bring in all the Christmas boxes in we need to clean the whole house before we can make it a mess with all the boxes. Me, I say, "the house is how it is, lets decorate." I'm not sure if that makes any sense. I get overwhelmed by the mess and give up. There are so many other things to do besides cleaning.
On that note, there doesn't seem to be enough time in the day for me but the time that I have I waste and I don't understand why. I can spend hours lost in thought or my imagination. I'm a big fan of the nap and seem to find my way to my bed for a 20 minute snooze everyday. I waste so much time that by the time my kids get home form school I have so much to do just to keep the house running that I don't feel that I make time for my boys. My husband always says that he would run thing much better, that he would be a great say at home dad and I would always have a clean house and dinner on the table. The sad thing is that I know he's right, he would be great, so much better than I am.
Keith, my husband, always tells me that I should put in about 2 hours a day to cleaning and then I would have the rest of the day to do whatever I want. I know that 2 hours a day is really all day. I can put in 2 hours of just straight cleaning but there is always something else that needs to be done; grocery shopping, bill paying, dinner making and clean up, the boys homework and school projects, boys activities, rehearsal, and any mess the boys make after I've cleaned up. I know what your thinking, 'make the boys clean up after themselves.' Well, that's all well and good but I still have to supervise. In short, I just feel that there is so much to do that something has to give and housework is one of them. The other is jewelry but that's another topic.
In all honesty, I want my house to be clean. I hate the mess and I am disgusted with the dirt. So heres my plan: I will devote 1 hour of my day to cleaning something in my house that needs to be clean. Notice I didn't say 2 hours, I don't want to overwhelme myself, 1 hour of extra clean is more than enough. So tomorrows extra cleaning is the boys playroom or should I say Malcolm's playroom. Malcolm has completely distroyed it. It might take me more than an hour but that is my goal. I'm also going to make the boys clean their room. This will be a fight but I'm going to make them do it.
Tomorrow's schedule:
1)exercise
2)clean playroom
3)pay bills
4)dishes and laundry: fold and put them away. (You might think folding them and putting them away is a given but you would be shocked at how often I do the laundry and let everyone pick through the basket for clean underware and socks. I hate folding them and loath puting the away. CRAZY!)
5)go over lines and song.
6)ten minutes of writing.
Well that's the plan, tomorrow I'll make it my reality.
Shel
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Goal for 2011
Ok, so tomorrow is the start of my new program I talked about earlier. I've put it off because of the Holidays but it's time. I've been doing a little but haven't been really going for it.
I've made some new goals for myself for this year:
1) Lose 40 lbs.
2) Audition for the 5th Ave theatre. They are a professional theatre company. I'm not planning on getting in, I hear it takes several time auditioning. I just think it will be good experience for me.
3) Get my novel written. It doesn't have to be the finished product just down on paper. I'm a little ADD and I really need to try and focus.
4) Get my jewelry up and going. I am working on my website and hope to have it done soon. I need someone to take pictures for me. My camera sucks. I also want to get my jewelry in some shops.
5) Get my son ready to start school. He needs to be able to say his ABC's and write his name. He has no interest right now. I still have time for that.
Well, those are my 2011 goals.
I will achieve them if I can stay focused and not become lazy.
I've made some new goals for myself for this year:
1) Lose 40 lbs.
2) Audition for the 5th Ave theatre. They are a professional theatre company. I'm not planning on getting in, I hear it takes several time auditioning. I just think it will be good experience for me.
3) Get my novel written. It doesn't have to be the finished product just down on paper. I'm a little ADD and I really need to try and focus.
4) Get my jewelry up and going. I am working on my website and hope to have it done soon. I need someone to take pictures for me. My camera sucks. I also want to get my jewelry in some shops.
5) Get my son ready to start school. He needs to be able to say his ABC's and write his name. He has no interest right now. I still have time for that.
Well, those are my 2011 goals.
I will achieve them if I can stay focused and not become lazy.
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